New Girl - 1x06 - Thanksgiving

Continuing the trend of deflecting Zooey's annoying "adorableness" by bringing in some extra Crazy, this episode we get the male version of Zooey Deschanel, Justin Long, playing the male version of Jess. Actually that may be mean to Zooey. I imagine even at our most bitter, we still love her a lot more than Justin Long. Sorry dude. If it makes you feel any better, I'm probably the one person on the planet that didn't think you came off as a smug asshole in those Apple commercials. Ironic, huh?

Justin's around as Paul, a fellow teacher at Jess's school who's just as "wacky" and "out there" and chipper as Jess. Since his grandma died recently, he has no one to spend Thanksgiving with, so Jess invites him over to the loft for a proper home cooked meal. Except they weren't planning on doing any of that. The guys had a fucking brilliant night planned: chillax in front of the tv watching the game, then go stand in line for Black Friday. Listen, guys, I'm bitter, angry, misanthropic, and I don't ever sing. Kick her out, let me in. Please.

Lucky for her, Schmidt turns out to be a secret masters doctorate black belt in cheffing or something (what do I look like, some kind of food...maker...dude?), and he agrees to completely crap up their guys night in return for Jess inviting Cece. Aw. Actually glad that's being followed up on. And even happier how it's followed up. There's no need for any long awkward, soap opera Friends bullshit talking about what the hand holding meant. Nope, they're just back to Square One, except she is a little nicer to him, and he's less of a fifteen year old boy trying to impress. But, as with all things related to the heart and cavity searches, when you're not trying to force it, it just happens. Schmidt is a tyrant in the kitchen, absolutely insisting that everything be done to his very exacting, Monk-ish standards of cleanliness. When Cece ends up putting her unwashed hands in a bowl of walnuts, :boom: walnuts go in the trash, withoutsomuchasahowdoyoudo. And wouldn't you know it? Cece finds it super hot. And again, subtle delivery pays big dividends here. She doesn't opt for the near orgasmic face most sitcom actresses go for to express surprise attraction. She just steals her gaze, purses her lips just so, and spends the rest of the episode goading him, sticking her hands in various bowls and foods, just to watch him get riled up and yell at her. I officially love these two.

Schmidt's somehow on the verge of vomiting right now...
I, on the other hand, completely forgot what I was just talking about...

Wait, how did he lose his shirt??

Unfortunately Schmidts super food... making... hot...wizardry can't fix the central problem with Jess' plan. They can't thaw/cook the ginormous turkey she picked up in the few hours they have left. Hell the thing won't even fit in their oven ("We've all had this problem, right fellas?" is also the best line in that particular genre since Coupling's "They usually just say 'ow'."). They eventually decide on the dryer. Their future laundry will either smell horrible or awesomely delicious. I kind of want to try that. Unfortunately permanent press turns out to be overkill, and the dryer..explodes or something, covering the apartment in an impenetrable wall of smoke, forcing everyone to relocate to Mrs Beverly's apartment, who is away and left Jess with her key.

I swear to God, I totally earned the right to star alongside
Bruce Willis...why doesn't anyone believe me?

Eagerly pushing this holiday nightmare forward is Paul, who by this point has already won over Winston and Schmidt with his genuine friendliness, in spite of his super Jess-esque awkward social faux pas (faux pases? What's the plural of faux pas?). But Nick ain't having none of it. Is it because he's jealous? Is it because he's a genuine sour puss? Is it because this dude is just THAT fucking annoying? We never quite get a straight answer, and I love that. This episode can be taken either way, but when added to last week's whole , an entirely new layer appears. Nick keeps trying to make an effort to be nice to the guy, but it's fucking Justin Long playing a male version of Jess. You can't keep that shit up for long.

Thanksgiving is broken up early when they find Mrs Beverly dead in her bathroom, prompting Paul to have some kind of flashback/PTSD to his grandmother dying, which sucks for him, cause he ends up on the same elavator as the coroners, and it looks like that's the last we'll see of him.

Pictured: my fifth most recurring nightmare.

Except it's not! Because he somehow made it through that nightmare fuel intact, decided to live life to the fullest, and meets our gang at the Best Buy Black Friday sale, bringing turkey subs for everyone. Aw. It's nice, but you're still fucking annoying, dude. When some asshole tries to get all indignant about his cutting in line, Nick finally does a completely selfless thing and offers to let Paul have his place, while he goes to the back of the line. Everyone else follows, including Schmidt, having finally lost his Alpha Chef persona and, consequently, Cece's complete interest.