New Girl - 1x14 - Bully

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!


Julia's gone! Lizzie's left! Where is the justice in the world? I give up on TV! Forever.


Okay I don't. But that's only because I'm weak.




I'll be honest with you guys. I'm hurting. I'm in pain here. There's something leaking out of my eyes. Could be tears. Maybe blood. It's been a dark twelve hours. But I'm gonna try to get through this. For you. OHGAWDLIZZIEWHYDIDYOULEAVE?!?!?

I know you were scared by the strength of my love, but if you come back,
I'll dial it down to a misdemeanor stalk.

Soo yeah, what was this stupid episode stupidly about? Jess has a super smart little bratty kid in her class that (semi-justifiably, let's be honest) mocks and belittles Jess for her saccharine attitude and doing shit like singing anti-bullying duets in class. Despite the fact that Jess is still toned way-the-fuck-down, it is still kind of understandable why the little girl does that. That said, it was cool to see Jess pull rank and stand up to herself. It only involved minor vandalism and a web of lies, but she eventually got there.

Jesus, it's hard to figure out who you hate more on sight...

What I don't understand (and this is becoming a running theme when it comes to reviewing Jess' actions), is why she admitted to sabotage? It was obviously done in anger, but it was definately more of an accident than a premediated attempt to torpedo her grade. Eh. It was worth it just to see Jess' misanthropic boss again. I've thought Rachel Harris has been hilarious ever since My Boys. It's actually a huge shame she doesn't do a lot of TV acting, she could really slide into a lot of plum character roles.

"Please stop with the cheeseductions.
I camembert it anymore.."

Meanwhile the Cece/Schmidt relationship is taking that "we're boning in secret to create drama!" route I was afraid they were going to, but at least Schmidt is already taking steps to nip that shit in the bud. I'd feel a little sorry for Schmidt when Cece told him straight out "Yes, I am 100% ashamed of you.", but after his little seduction in the beginning of the ep, I straight up can't eat cheese anymore. And I love cheese. You son of a bitch, I've lost TWO precious things to me thanks to this episode! My now-severely-curtailed diet aside though, I do love that the whole disgusting cheese thing totally works on her. It's both horrifying that it would work and unexpectedly sweet, since it really shows these two are made for each other. And the fact she realizes both halves of that equation just makes it plain funny.

Also sweet? Schmidt's sorta-declaration-of-love. He wants to show her off because she's the "dopest, flyest, smartest, ballsiest" girl he's ever been with. That's just aw. Less aw was his victory parkour-slash-pushups thing that looked more like rhythmic gymnastics, but it was kind of a callback to Cece Crashes, so I wanna let it slide.

I've got a monthly quota of drunk, shirtless Nick and
we've already blew threw that with the cockfight last ep.

Speaking of complicated declarations of love, shit, man, Nick. What the fuck? Okay, you know what, here's the thing. There is absolutely no question Nick fucked things up *considerably*. Hilariously, there's no denying that, but considerably nonetheless. The leap from receiving a cactus to leaving a deluge of ragey/crying/pathetic voicemails is one not even old-school Jess would make. And yet, you stuffed some rocks in your pockets and made like Wile E. Coyote. (Shut up, physics nerds! I know rocks won't make you fall faster!)

And yet, I still can't buy that Julia would use them as reason to break up with him. Maybe I'm just still in the denial stage here, but these two have known from the very beginning how emotionally immature and co-dependent the other is. The secrets in The Story of the 50, the crying jags in Jess and Julia, hell the fight in Valentine's Day that hinged on Nick telling a story about his last complete mental breakdown; these all vividly illustrated how fucked up both of them are and that they actually love that about each other. So for seven voicemails to suddenly scare her off just seems to ring false in light of how this relationship has been portrayed so far.

Also? Those comments I've been making about how Schmidt's always got an upside-down U for a face? Completely preferable to the opposite!

Jesus, there are entire horror movie pitches based around that mouth-hole grimace

Other points of love:

• Cece taking Schmidt to what looks like a strip mall coffee shop for their extorted breakfast.
• Winston's only tool is a pair of good scissors. I understand Nick's rage so much better now.
• Sex dog Schmidt. Wait, when I say I love that, I don't mean...
• Cactus needle on Nick's face. I am a horrible person.

Other random thoughts:

• I wonder if Jess bringing him the live plant that he thought Julia didn't trust him with is supposed to be some kind of symbolism, or just Jess registering "a plant will make him feel better"?
• I don't have the patience to make out the lyrics of the songs she sang in class. Sorry!
• How could everyone be talking on their iPhones when the Home Page was CLEARLY visible and lit! Nerd Harumph!