New Girl - 1x24 - See Ya

It's moving day for Nick, and while Winston and Schmidt are content to crow passive aggressively about how much money they're going to save (and then spend on licensed plumbers), Jess is resorting to direct insults, sabotage, haranguing, and eventually just straight up pleading to get Nick to stay.

And then she goes back to sabotage again.

Before we get into that whole boring Nick is "making a huge, life ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned [him] into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic" thing, can we just deal with the most important question on everybody's mind: What's the deal with Schmidt's penis?

"You're not the first to ask, and the people have a right to know."

Well, it seems the last few episodes worth of bandaging have...not had the desired effect.

(Apropos of nothing, "That's not my penis!" is my new ringtone.)

To try and mitigate the damage, the doctor has a hard cast placed on it which has the added benefit of making arousal completely impossible (is benefit really the right word?). The upside is that this means he and Cece can finally be around each other without horrible excruciating pain, and just maybe they can start this whole relationship thing off right.

But "right" lasts for all of five minutes, because, you know... Schmidt. He sees Cece at work, modelling with handsome male models while half naked, and naturally (now I know that's not the right word) gets crazy, screamy jealous and at one point literally calls her a sex worker.

Yeah, that was my reaction too.

Now this next part, I'm not quite sure I follow, so bear with me. After demeaning her, comparing her to a prostitute and showing no real remorse over it, Schmidt realizes that he's not good enough for her and the relationship has to end. Now it's not entirely clear whether he thinks he's not good enough because of his douchiness and insults or because he's keeping her from bonking male models with even worse pickup lines than his. It seems like it's the latter from his behavior, but I really, really want to believe he's got the self-awareness for the former. However, my faith in him isn't helped by his decision to force the breakup by "white fang-ing" her.

Now to his credit, we're all surprised, but not quite relieved, when he explains that it's not one of his weird sex acts, but being mean to her to send her away for her own good. Which...well, calling her a whore is admittedly a good start.

Regardless it's moot, because Cece doesn't remotely fall for it. Maybe it has something to do with him literally re-enacting White Fang, and all the "go on, git!"'s that involves. Maybe it has to do with him repeatedly saying that he's been dying to do that to someone someday. Suffice it to say, it doesn't remotely work because Schmidt is a schmuck in addition to a douche. Schmouche.

Of course, when, in the process of trying to bring some maturity to Schmidt's schmouchishness, Cece finds out that he read texts from her phone, shit finally gets serious. She rips into him for violating her privacy and tries to explain the concept of trust. But he levels up from douche to asshole right quick, claiming that he can't trust her because she slept with him, and that puts her judgement into doubt. Since there are literally no words to comprehend the idiocy of that that, Cece just walks away...dumping him? I think? It's not really all that clear what happens or where they end up, and unfortunately we don't get any further clarification before the end of the episode/season.

Which is a pretty great way for this show's most interesting relationship to end up.

Also: really, Gino? Really?

Moving on.

While all that is happening, Nick packs up his depressingly empty moving van, and heads out with the boys to Caroline's surprisingly swanky place. (It's called "The Windsor", has a big red awning, and brightly colored flags. That's some high-falutin' shit).

Pictured: High-falutin'.

Surprising all of us, even though it really shouldn't at this point, when he gets there, he just keeps driving. And driving. And driving. All told, he overshoots by about 140 miles, pulling up to a cliff in the desert, running screaming out of the cab, and throwing his keys into a canyon in a pique of madness.

Seems about right.

Just as he's calming down and becoming somewhat philosophically (and hilariously) intrigued by his own freakout, Schmidt and Winston are ready to dismember and eat him to survive (Winston especially, since his only storyline this week is that he's suddenly afraid of the dark). Which is odd, cause you can clearly see the highway not too far off in the distance, so it's not like they're any danger of dying or wandering out there lost for forty years.

"It's really no more than hour's walk. I mean technically,
you should be thanking me for the exercise."

While Winston paces around manically, Nick has a surprisingly chill call with Caroline, honestly explaining what happened, and apologizing. Even more surprisingly, she says she understands and to take all the time he needs and they can talk about it calmly when he gets back. Wow. That was impressive and unexpected. And mature.

"Listen, it's either this, or I have to go back to the bar."

And more surprisingly, Nick thinks so too. So much, in fact, that by the time Jess arrives to rescue them, Nick has already concluded that he "might have overreacted", and is ready to head back to Caroline's.
Which, forces Jess to take the only reasonable course of action and throw her keys into the canyon.

"Seriously, you are the worst."

Lucky for them, it turns out Nick's Depressingly Empty Moving Van is a TARDIS, because somehow they unpack a studio apartments worth of stuff to set up a pretty sweet overnight camp out  complete with music, booze, and a bed! I actually paused it at this point to compare prices and see if buying a moving van would be cheaper than renting.

It would, but parking would bleed me dry in a week.

The gang spends the night outdoors, having fun and rocking out to Nick's junior high mix tape, which is so awesomely 90's my only disappointment was that it didn't include a story telling us all about how Nick Miller's life got flipped and turned upside down. It's all very fun and cute in a Cafe Disco way, instead of the usual eye-roll-y Zooey Deschanel-dancing-montage kind of way.

But I can't help but feel like the entire purpose of it is to show us how much Jess and Nick belongggg togetherrrrr. Which is fine, I guess, but this would've had a lot more impact ten episodes ago. As it is, aside from the tennis-ball-tits comment back in Kids, this is really the only time we've seen Jess and Nick have something in common that didn't involve crazy hobo screaming.

In unrelated news, if my ninth-grade English teacher could see me writing "tennis-ball-tits" on the Internet, she would be so proud.

The fun doesn't last long however, and soon Jess and Nick are back to yelling at each other, and it's so damn repetitive even a coyote comes out of nowhere to give them a "shut up with your mother fucking drama, a dog's trying to get some sleep out here" look.

Jess tries to Manic Pixie Dream Girl the ferocious animal away by making Road Runner noises, and Nick alternately tries to explain to her how the food chain actually worked in those cartoons and cowering behind her while grovelling and publicly disassociating himself from her actions.

Classy.

In the middle of this episode of 24, they somehow find time to have their required sappy moment, Jess conceding that she just wants Nick to be happy, even if that means moving in with Caroline. Nick throws back that he's afraid she needs him too much, which -- wait, what? Jess replies that she'll be fine because she met him, and that's why she has the courage to face off a wild coyote with some crazy screaming shit.

It's an enjoyably acted scene that doesn't make the slightest bit of sense in the context of the episode or show, at all. I mean, how has Jess ever needed Nick to do anything for her? When have they had any effect on each other whatsoever that didn't involve making the other feel like shit? Unless her point is that dealing with Nick's crazy tantrums for a year is comparable to facing down a wild coyote in the wilderness ...wait, actually, yes, she does have a point there.

Whatever. If you pause this in HD, and step through it frame by frame, you can actually see the coyote roll his eyes before deciding he's had enough of this shit and getting the fuck out of there, leaving those two crazy kids to celebrate their luck (thankfully) without any cliche 'meaningful almost kissing' moments.

Morning comes, and Jess "finds" her keys, which she never really threw in the first place, (sneaky! and totally a dick move), and everyone heads back to Caroline's where the guys have a manly bro-bye complete with another Fredo Kiss. A few meaningful-I'm-sure looks between Nick and Jess later, and the apartment sits strangely empty, Nick having grown up and lost to them forever...

Wait! Except! Cut to later that night, the moving van is mysteriously parked outside the loft, and Nick is suddenly back in his empty room blasting his awesome 90's mixtape. An bemused "Hey"/"Welcome back" between Jess and Nick is all we get in terms of an explanation.

So we finish out the season with AC/DC and awkward dancing.

Is there any other kind?

Wait! Hold on! Dorky dancing is all well and good, but that...that ending resolved nothing! Nothing!

Nothing!

I mean, we don't know why Nick left Caroline. We don't know if Jess is into Nick. We don't know what's going on with Schmidt and Cece. We have no idea why Winston never gets any decent storylines!
Now, last week made it fairly clear that Nick was moving in with Caroline out of a deep seated fear of ending up alone. But there was nothing this week (especially not in that nonsensical coyote moment) that acknowledged that, or indicated he had gotten over it. In fact, his relationship with Caroline seemed the healthiest, most rewarding we'd ever seen it. So why did he leave? Are we meant to infer that it's because of (reciprocal) feelings for/from Jess, which is the only thing their contrived haranguing of each other can possibly allude to? Except, the matter is left so absolutely ambiguous in the end, I have no idea if that's what they really intended, or just fannish shipping.

Similarly, Cece never actually uttered the words "we're over" to Schmidt, or sought comfort in Jess, or anything that makes me think they've broken up. But if they're still together, why wouldn't the show make that clear before leaving on a summer hiatus?

This ending was a great send-off to the cast for an absolutely great season. But it was also absolutely useless in light of the conflicts set up during the episode, or even the season. Hopefully we'll get answers to all this next year!

Random Bits of Awesome

• "I'm just going to call a plumber and just throw cash at him while he works. Fiddy's. And hunneds, hunneds, hunneds"
• That mouse trap was legitimately awesome.
• Thomas Lennon as Neil, the replacement roommate!
• ♫ "I like to move-in, move-in!" ♫
• The growly box.
• "I had the unique experience of having to let myself go. I did not take it well..."
• "I took my fair share of rubber bands, so I don't want to hear about it..."
• Remy returns!
• Despite having a ridiculous, stupid subplot, Winston's background explanation of his night in the wilderness was great, "Don't touch me, there's pee everywhere'