Alright, so it's less of a sprint and more of a light jog. But hey, at least they're going somewhere right? Right? Seriously though, are we going somewhere?
We pick up more or less where we left off last time. Robin, fresh of dumping/being dumped by her fiance of three hours, on the roof. Ted, master of perfect timing, in front of her, telling her, again, he loves her and to take him back. This can only end well.
To his credit, it does seem to go pretty sweet at first, what with first-thing-in-the-morning licky smooches and everything. But then Robin's called away on a trip to Moscow, and all the "let's talk about this and figure it out" stuff has to get put on hold.
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| I have been doing 'talking it out' entirely wrong. |
Fair enough. Nothing to do but get back to your life for a little while, distract yourself, maybe a do a few situps and come back at this with a clear mind and---wait, no. No of course not. It's Ted. He has to immediately convene a braintrust meeting at the bar at 7am, complete with booze, so he can beat this horse to death with his medieval flail.
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| Why would they let them in?? |
While Lily's trying to talk Ted out of getting his heart broken again, Barney (having crashed at Marshall and Lily's at the end of The Drunk Train and taking the opportunity to snoop) discovers two scandalous secrets: a) Marshall and Lily have been making a series of long-term bets on their friends happiness and tracking them in a cash-box under their bed. b) they made a sex tape, which they put in a closet somewhere and helpfully labelled "Marshall and Lily's Sex Tape".
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| Whatever happened to labeling your porn 'nature documentary' or 'Shakespeare and Crack'? |
After a brief ninety-two minute round trip to the bar to inform everyone about the LTB box, Barney returns to the house to successfully find the tape! Hooray! Another 46 minutes later, he's talked out of watching it by Marshall's sex noises
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| Yeah. |
Moving on. So it turns out that one of those aforementioned Long Term Bets involved Lily betting Marshall that Ted and Robin wouldn't end up together in the end. This naturally makes Ted pretty suspicious of Lily's attempts to talk him out of it. But she brings up some pretty good points, the most salient of which is: if was meant to happen, it would have happened already.
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| THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE FUCKING SHOW?!? -Me, at my television screen |
Ted realizes that maybe the reason it hasn't happened yet is because Robin's still in love with Barney. He confronts Barney about it and even brings up the end of Tick, Tick, Tick when he saw Barney cleaning up the rose petals and shit.
Oh my God, FINALLY! Is Ted really that dumb that he didn't put two and two together until now?
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| You really deserve a cockpunch, Ted. |
Fine, it took forever to pay off, but we're finally gonna get to see some story lines colliding and-- nope. No. It's just Barney filling Ted in, via sideswoop montage, of what we already know happened. And then Barney telling Ted to go for it with Robin, because why the fuck does anything happen on this show if not so it can be abruptly dropped to clear the way for the next random plot swerve. Whatever.
Where were we? Oh right, Robin comes home eventually, and straight up says this shit ain't gonna happen. She gives some pretty good reasons, like how utterly unstable her life has been this year, but Ted asks her to break it down for him: "Do you love me?" "No." Ouch.
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| Okay, you're excused from your cockpunch this week. |
The upshot of this is Ted and Robin claim they're okay as friends and everything goes back to the way they were and everything will be fine.
It's at this point that I can only conclude that Jason Segel literally heard me scream at the television again, because Marshall goes up to Robin later on and tells her "Shorty, you broke his heart, you gotz to split." But you know, nicer.
Because roommate roulette is all the meaningful change we get on this show.
Case in point: When Lily asks Marshall to finally pay up, he still refuses, leaving the door open yet again (at least to us the audience) that this Robin/Ted shit STILL isn't over.
I can't believe I wasted my only telepathic communication with Jason Segel on this. I could've met a muppet.
That's not to say there weren't some isolated good moments this week:
- It is truly the courteous sociopath who pre-calls a cleaning service before ransacking a friends house to look for a sex tape.
- Barney's Boob-o-Vision.
- Barney's "Do you think if we had sex, and I did a really good job, I could make that baby mine?"
- Barney dancing, what I'm pretty sure was "Single Ladies" in the back of the car on the way to Stella and Ted's wedding.
- Hmm...anything not Barney related? Oh right! Coco!
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| Coco! |
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