New Girl - 1x22 - Tomatoes

Nick (maybe as a consequence of his soul searching last week?) decides to seize control of his crapper of a life and he starts by...planting some tomatoes. Or is it one tomato? He plants one plant is what I'm saying. Who knows how many tomatoes are supposed to come from there. Do I look like a goddamned philosopher?



Shocking no one but me -- because goddamn it I want him to win one -- life as a farmer does not come easy to Nick. And when one pins ones hopes for a second chance at life on something as finicky as a houseplant, one tends to go even more bugfuck insane than unusual. So it's really not long (14 minutes in episode time, and I suspect the same amount in-story) before he's pre-drinking water for the plant, madly screaming at circling pigeons, constructing a surprisingly (and frighteningly) decent scarecrow, and chasing Winston off his "land" with a goddamned honest-to-god pitch fork.

Who the hell sells this guy a pitchfork??

Eventually he just  straight gives up and decides to take the easy way out  realizes that he's changed as a person and maybe he can find happiness now where he couldn't before. Which means giving Caroline a call, and getting involved in that whole mess again.

I know this is supposed to be a really ominous event, and yeah, going back to an ex that devastated you that badly can never be a good idea. But dudes? Caroline will always be The Waitress. And Nick's the closest thing to Charlie this show has. So you know what, Nick? Go get yours.

You are the wind beneath my wings, Nick.

Surprising no one (including me this time), Jess disagrees. See, she just went through some pretty difficult soul-searching of her own. She spent an episode being smothered by how "passionate" Russell and his ex Ouli still are about each other ("passionate" being a polite euphemism for "we literally orgasm when arguing with each other"), and realizes that she wants that in her life. And that she'll never have it with Russell. "Passion's overrated, Jess", he tells her. So they break up, and she enters the apartment just in time to see Caroline and have at knock-down, drag-out scream-a-thon with Nick about what a horrible mistake he's making.

Seriously this was easily the most vitriolic they've ever gotten. Which, admittedly, is not saying much, since they just started treating each other like equals like two episodes ago, but still. Any scene that ends in aggravated butt shaking is a win in my book (see also, Bob's Burgers).

Yeah, I bet you were hoping for a GIF version. Perv.

For a brief moment it looks like Jess realizes that she finally has what she wanted with Russell, but then the butt shaking came out, and I honestly don't know if she made the connection. I'd like to believe this show will just cut to the chase like that, but I've already been burned this season, so probably not.

Elsewhere in star-crossed lovers land, Cece has decided to cool things off with Schmidt after the whole pregnancy scare last episode. You'd think realizing she was in love with him, that he would be a stand up guy, and that she's miserable over the idea of him seeing other women would be enough for her to step up, but this is a sitcom at its core, sooo...no. So instead, partly out of spite and partly out of fear (I would assume), Schmidt takes out Nadia, Cece's roommate. You remember her right?

"Jew in the couch! Jew in the couch!"

Turns out "Jew in the couch! Jew in the couch!" was probably not a playful outburst from a naive
enthusiastic foreigner unfamiliar with out customs. No, Nadia's kind of insane. Possibly sociopathic. You know how people toss around the phrase "using sex as a weapon"? It's apparently not a euphemism in Russia. She fucking breaks his penis.

Breaks. His. Penis.

He describes it as "a battered traffic cone". I was assured in 7th grade health that was NOT an option. What the hell, universe?

"So, apparently it IS an actual bone? I don't know. 
I wasn't really listening on account of 
MY BROKEN PENIS!"

The indescribable agony Schmidt went through is enough to break through Cece's doubts and fears, and she rushes to his bedside, and they finally admit they like each other. Awww. I'm honestly shocked that Cece was able to see past the fact that Schmidt was the one that put his penis in that position in the first place (Pun!), but I'm glad we're finally here.

Still, you know. Broken penis.

Random Hilarious (non broken penis) Moments:

• Jess being fundamentally unable to handle bickering parents and defaulting to singing explains...nothing, actually, but it kind of fits.
• McMouse. Awesome.
• Similarly, the awesomely random list of things Nadia likes about America. It's pretty obvious the writers have a particular go-to humor, the random list, and it's great that they can give it to different kinds of actors and get so many different voices out of it.
• The splitsies dating profile of Nickson Biller.
• Schmidt: "You like my personality?" / Cece: "I was surprised too."
• Boobies, girls with clean hair, and models eating sliders: all things that turn Schmidt on.
• And finally: Freeze frame!