Up All Night - 1x06 - Birth

No new real ground is tread here, but we get a reliably amusing birthin' story, some great poop jokes, awesome line deliveries from Christina Applegate, Nick Cannon stepping up and getting noticed, and...did I mention the poop jokes?

It also really confirms that unlike a lot of sitcoms this season, this show actually has a singular voice with a story to tell behind it. That story may not be entirely original, but it's told well, and in an entertaining manner, so I've got no regrets.

Also, seriously, poop.

A spare, almost imperceptible subtitle is all that tells us this week we're travelling back all the way to "sometime last year". Well that, and Reagan's ginormous belly. Also, the fact that this week, it's Chris coming in through the front door from work, framed by Reagan at the computer. She's been putting the finishing touches on her birthing plan. Her eighteen-page birthing plan. That's...thorough. Chris seems intimidated by it, but willing to play along. She explains that organizing up with an airtight, full-proof, every-contingency plan is the only thing that's making her feel like she's got an iota of control in this whole "a fully developed person is going to come out of my stomach through my vagina" thing. Well, when you put it that way...

She asks excitedly if Chris brought home "the birthing DVD". Now, hold up y'all (I'm trying "y'all" on for size now. No? Okay.) How does ANYONE who's watched any manner of family sitcom in the past twenty years, get excited about a birthing video? I mean, okay, yes, I get accepting it's might be a good idea to see what to expect. They don't just toss soldiers out into the battlefield after a few jumping jacks and spirited jogs, after all. But to get excited about one? In what universe were they NOT expecting it to be the most horrifying thing to ever assault their virgin eyes? They made us watch that shit in seventh grade health class and I still have waking nightmares. Tip for our more conservative neighbors, THAT's how you fucking teach abstinence. Forget that Jesus sit, sit the kids down in front of a HEAD COVERED IN BLOOD AND SHIT BEING SHOVED OUT A VAGINA, and you've bought yourself some proper Christian behavior for a good two weeks or so.

Like that dumb moron in horror movies who always goes to check out the strange noise in the basement, however, they stupidly plop in the DVD, expecting the miracle of life, and possibly something "kinda sexy", but instead slowly, horrifyingly, traumatizingly learn that Aliens was not exaggerating about what happens when shit starts getting *real*.

To be honest, Applegate and Arnett kind of sleepwalk through this scene, at least relative to all the other times we've seen it play out on television. Whether that's a result of the actors not really being that excited at rehashing a well-worn trope, or a deliberate choice to play down the hysteria in favor of a more realistic approach, I'm not sure. Understated is not a bad delivery choice, by any means (*coughKatDenningscough*), but this scene isn't really all that memorable either.

One spiffy Opening-Credits-that-have-been-growing-on-me-later, we're at a filming of Ava, and Reagan, currently straining under the varied and many physiological changes her pregnancy has wrought (including insanely swollen feet), is incredulous that today's guest could not know she was pregnant. We're treated to a few little flashback Easter Eggs here, as we see Missy with about 8 feet of hair, find out that Calvin was actually Ava's driver, and that the show actually used to have a Rod Roddy-ish announcer called Barry. It's cute, but considering we don't really know any of these characters all that well (i mean, fuck I didn't even realize that Calvin was anything more than a random producer), it doesn't exactly have the impact of a surprise prom video or the whimsy of 90's nostalgia. Maybe once we get to know these folks better, we can visit this pre-Amy life again for the sight gags.

Everyone in that room was disappointed to learn that this
was not Survivor

After the show's over, Reagan walks, talks, and meets with the rest of the staff, making sure they're all aware of her 457-page guide for running the show in her abscence. This is all news to Ava, as she's been in complete denial that Reagan's been pregnant for the past 9 months, and has been acting like she's just gotten fat.In what is a surprise to absolutely no one, Ava's been having a little trouble getting coming to terms with the upcoming change in Reagan's life, mostly because of what it'll mean to her. This has manifested itself in a manic fear of hospitals, to the point of offering Reagan $50,000 to have the baby in a hotel. Jesus, I wouldn't want to be the maid on duty that day.

Source: Oxford English Dictionary, 2009 edition.

Back in, gasp, Chris' office, he's negotiating some kind of settlement over speakerphone with the help of the fine acting skills of Bryan Callen, being his patently douchey self. Seriously, I'm usually against type casting and every fiber of me wants to say some snotty thing about how this guy plays the exact same character everywhere, but... dude, have you seen that IMDB profile? This guy gets so much work, you can't help but respect. He's elevated it to such a level, that just seeing his *face* tells you all you need to know about whoever he's playing. How many of us have that level of recognition. So here's to you, Mr. Dictionary Picutre of Middle Aged Fratty Douchebag Suit,  props with no foolin'.

After they successfully bully whoever's on the other end of that line into paying up, Callen tries to convince Chris not to take paternity leave, as that could seriously hurt his newly-optimistic hopes of making partner. Apparently the last guy to take paternity leave was never heard from again. I mean literally. He's walking around somewhere in the company, but no one remembers who the fuck he is. Chris is actually looking forward to the paternity leave, despite that. He's actually quite enamored with the idea of staying home and being with his baby. Aww. Callen's completely un-self-aware diatribe about Chris "giving up [his] identity to stay home and change diapers" is interrupted by Reagan calling to tell him she's in labor right now. Chris starts mildly freaks out, spending precious minutes deciding whether to pack his stapler, but gets his shit together, and one awkward bro-hug later is out the door.

Little did he know how handy that stapler would turn out to be in the operating room.

He gets to the Ava offices with time to spare. At least as far as Reagan is concerned. It's far too late for Ava, as she's already downing bourbon shots and Turreting out random birthing terms. Crowning! Mucous Plug! Placenta! Awesome. This is totally gonna be a new level in the Drunkenly Calling Random Shit Out in Public game my friends play. And by Random Shit, I mean "Penis". Reagan is remaining very much in control and focused, taking comfort in her birthing plan and keeping centered. Ava gets her shit together just enough to offer to be genuinely useful, stopping by their house to pick up Reagan's birthing bag and giving them her limo to go to the hospital. As he packs them in the limo, Calvin reassures them that they're going to be fine. "I helped my mother give birth. I know that can mess a brother up, but I thought it was beautiful." Okay, Calvin you're my new favorite character, right there.

Photoshop > Add Filter > Lens Flare > Smile...

One half-hearted attempt to celebrate their pre baby life by woo-ing out the sunroof of the limo later, they're at the hospital running into their annoying neighbors who've also just popped out a little  crotch-dropping  bundle of joy. We'll just skip past that part because it's pretty much exactly like all their other interactions, and get to their adorably wallpapered birthin' room. The first monkey wrench has been thrown into the birthing plan as Reagan's normal doctor is too busy delivering triplets, leaving Generically Young and Handsome Male Doctor has been assigned to her case. Reagan is not down with this, as she explains to both Chris, and soon enough, Dr. Young himself. He's just a little too handsome for her to be relaxed with him being "all up in [her] bizness when things real". Chris is surprisingly okay with his wife finding the doctor too handsome to be down by her hooha, even admiring his uh, Dutchness himself. Ah, I see now.

"Seriously honey, look at that ass. Is the birth of our child
a bad time to reconsider this whole hetero thing?"

Reagan's "When I start pushing, things are gonna get real-real. And by real, I mean poop." explanation doesn't quite fly with the doc, however. Chris, acting way more mature and collected than basically any father in the history of sitcom births ever, manages to negotiate the problem away, pointing out that they don't really have a choice in the matter, somehow without further incurring the wrath of this wife. Much. Nice. We cap off this touching doctor-patient consultation with Reagan grabbing Dr. Dutch by the collar and defining the terms of Prime Directive of this here birth: "If I [bleeep] myself, no one says a word." I'd hah, but that was scary enough I think I [bleep]ed myself too.

Pooooooop.

"Anything but a mullet or a 'Rachel' from Friends."  was
perhaps, not specific enough.

Meanwhile, on the non poopy side of town, Ava and Missy are at the house grabbing Reagan's to go bag, but not quite making with the to-go'ing. Ava's freaking out and trying to invent reasons to stay. Like vaccuming the house for them. It's up to Missy to step up and try to shake Ava out of whatever weird psychotic funk she's in now. When empathy doesn't work, Missy tries bargaining, agreeing to let Ava cut her hair (which she hadn't touched since the seventh grade) in exchange for getting up and not missing the birth of her best friends child. When THAT doesn't work (unfortunately after a weird half-Cyndi Lauper, half-Jem combo), she gets tough, putting her foot down and ordering that "b-word" to get her "f-word" "a-word" in her car right now. Cute.

Ava gets to the hospital just in time for Reagan to be hit the "not in the mood to deal with fools" level of labor. She offers to help Reagans discomfort with a joint hidden inside a pen, but Reagan is more concerned with the lack of a headband that she specifically asked Ava to get. Ava, newly inspired to be of help, but still looking for a reason to get the eff out of that hospital, offers to go find her the best headband ever.

"Oh Jesus Christ, did we NOT just watch that video?
Why did we say yes to the mirror?!"

Ava just really needed to wait about three hours for Reagan to chill out though, because that's about how long it takes to finally give in for an epideral. Oh, and how nice that epideral is. And just time for her to start pushing too. Reagan, in her weird nerd/jock way is all up for pushing, determined to get that baby out in five pushes or less. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work out that way, and the doctor decides a C-section is needed to get Amy's giant baby head out. This was definately not part of the Baby Plan, and she tries to play it off like she can turn it down and come back tomorrow and give it another try. The C-section not really being an "option", as it were, Chris manages to calm Reagan down, and they start prepping her for the surgery.

Out in the hallway, Ava, finally with headband, finds Chris mid-strip, changing into his scrubs. He's a little nervous, but Ava manages to give him a pep talk, complete with unncessary face-slap, and he charges right on in. Ava still tries to horn in on the birth of their child through the little operating door window, but she gets tackled by hospital security and dragged to the psych ward. At least in the version in my head. In the operating room, Chris sits by his wife's side and takes her hand, making solemn promise not to look over the curtain where they're tearing apart his beloved's insides and laying them out on a table like a dismantled watch. He fails this, of course, but manages to hide is life changing traumatic horror. After a brief hiccup with the birthing mix, little baby Amy is born to the sweet, life afirming tunes of House of Pain's "Jump Around", and all is right with the world.

At least until they wheel the new parents out into the parking lot and leave them alone with an entire freaking baby and no instruction manual.

"Wait, what!? You haven't even given us the warranty information!"

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