New Girl - 1x08 - Bad in Bed

Yeah I'm not buying this. I didn't buy this in the Pilot, I didn't buy it in Kryptonite or Thanksgiving or basically any of this show. So please, for the sake of this show, stop trying to convince us that Zooey Deschanel is ...whatever kind of incompetent you're trying to portray her as. It really just immediately sucks any enjoyment out of the show. What you're doing is not making her seem like an approachable, wacky girl we'd all love to meet. You're making her look like one of those damaged children that were lost in the woods or locked in a psych experiment for 23 years, and have only recently become acquainted with other people.

You're doing bad, is what I'm saying.

Yes, there is a way to make this unsexy, and I applaud the
producers of this show for defying expectations and figuring
it out.

Now there's a LOT of real comedy and drama to be mined out of the situation Jess finds herself in. She's only been with one guy for the past six years, and he cheated on her. Suddenly there's a new relationship and new sex, and she's understandably (well understandably for any of us, not for someone who looks like her, but whatever) nervous and lacking in self-esteem. That makes perfect sense. What does not make sense is shit like the "old-timey radio" accented dirty talk or the spandex thong net (though wearing it above underwear was a nice touch). Shit like that just makes you wonder how she manages to tie her shoes in the morning. Stop that.

All that said, watching her choke the shit out of Justin Long out of nowhere, right after a genuinely tender and sweet moment, was, legitimately fucking hilarious.

I could watch that shit all day.
...Don't look at my browser history.

They've REALLY got to Leslie Knopeify Jess and quick. The rest of the show is great. Awesome, in fact. But it's not going to last if they don't stop making the star of the show as aggressively aggrevating as possible. There's nothing worse than fake "quirky" shit, especially when it's so fundamentally unbelievable. When Parks and Rec came back for their second season, arguably their first great season, the big difference was that Leslie wasn't just a female Michael Scott, but an actual competent, intelligent human being, who just happened to have a sense of humor and demeanor that was a little out there. I'd like to see a Jess like that. One we can actually root for, not just cringe at. I'm begging you people. Please.

An episode where she spends half of it looking at porn and the
other half practicing poses like these does NOT make up for a
lack of likeability.

...Jesus, what's wrong with me?

Anyway, in subplot land, Nick is in desperate need for a haircut and can't seem to find a place he likes. Listen, dude, I sympathize. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere around the turn of the century it became really hard to just find a god damn barber. Just a barber. A chair, a sink, an old guy with glaucoma, twitchy hands, and sharp objects. It's nearly impossible. When I was in college, I had to walk two miles just to find one. Everything is salons and stylists and appointments. Men don't make hair appointments, damn it. We want to walk in when we feel like it, page through twenty year old Popular Mechanics for an hour, and make awkward conversation with a octogenarian with whiskey on his clothes and Blue Disinfectant on his breath!

Anyway, rant over. Nick, against his better judgement goes to Winston's "black barbershop" (his words, not mine) and gets a sweet  Kid n' Play  Vanilla Ice high top complete with awesome racing stripe. It's pretty awesome.

"It makes me run faster!"

How did this episode not veer into a straight-up porno?

Also, Schmidt apparently works in an all female office (did we know that before? I've already forgotten), and gets himself invited to his boss' baby shower in order to make important networking connections (that is to say, not get shit on all the time). Somehow Schmidt manages to win over the baby shower crowd by being himself. Yeah, I'm just as shocked as anyone. But apparently them knocked-up broads like to party hardy. It was actually a pretty decent plot. Schmidt is so douchey he actually circles around back to awesome. I think he won me over with the literal sheepdogging he pulled on Cece a few episodes ago, and he continues to straddle that fine line between "look at this dumbass" and "look at this dumbass!". The only thing I didn't like about this subplot was the frenemy rival woman, who's obviously being set up as a future romantic option. Where's Cece??