How I Met Your Mother - 7x07 - Noretta

Holy crap, there was some goddamn nightmare fuel here. I'm honestly surprised it wasn't next week's Halloween episode.

It's a psychological house of horrors as Marshall and Lily struggle with the concept of having sex with their respective dads, Barney and Nora's date is met with a series of improbable tragedies not seen since an 80's teen movie, and  Kumar   Kutner  Kevin finally has a dawning realization of the fucked up situation he's finding himself in since he agreed to date his patient.

And we sit through this trauma show for the sake of the parade of loveable past guest stars that only stay for cringe inducing scenes. Bring a bottle of whiskey and join me, why don't you?

Right there with ya, Wayne.

We start off at the bar, where SagetTed passive aggressives that with effectively everyone in the group doubling up and Barney's brother visiting, the now 10-strong crew can't all quite cram into their usual booth. Not to go all Kevin here, but GO TO A BIGGER BOOTH. Jesus, you don't always have to sit at the same table. Ahem, oh, so did I mention Barney's brother, James, played by the at-one-time-way-too-over-exposed-but-now-we-barely-see-him-so-it's-kind-of-nice-when-he-pops-up Wayne Brady? He always brings some sweet Stinson-family related happiness. I'm about to eat those words though, as James' only purpose in visiting is just to let the group know the he doesn't like Nora because she reminds him of their mother. He lists a bunch of specific reasons, but by far the creepiest is that they both always hug Barney in a very specific way (hand around nape of the neck, three strokes on the back). I don't know why, but that gave me goosebumps. No sooner does James drop the bombshell/premise of the episode on us does he leave to throw up and never be heard from again. If only I could follow you, Mr. Brady.

Bye, Wayne Brady!

"You'll never guess where this goes."

Barney meanwhile is absolutely stoked about his date with Nora. And by stoked, I mean full on, Ted "Theodore" Logan Air Guitar solo stoked, because she's finally gonna let him go to "Bootytown". I'll spare you the strained puns Barney uses to describe his planned trip there (though "Long Thigh-land Expressway" is now stuck in my head and will undoubtedly ruin any directions I give people for the foreseeable future). Suffice it to say, Nora's made it clear that their time taking it slow is finally at an end, and tonight she's got a "special treat" for her darling that involves her strapping something on, have him using muscles he hasn't used in years, and leaving him sore. It's a little unclear whether she was referring to ice skating just then, but to make things crystal, she does mention that afterwards they're "gonna shag". God I love that accent. They take off.

Kevin, meanwhile, explains to the group that, psychologically speaking, it's not at all odd for someone to end up with someone like their parents. "Thanks to mine, I'll probably end up with someone who loves my brother more," he intones under his breath. Hah. I'd be a little more concerned with the fact that five minutes ago, your girlfriend (who, again, I must point out, you were treating for unresolved bipolar-esque rage issues pertaining to Nora and Barney) was a little too quick listing off potential reasons why James might hate Nora. Though we're gonna slide right past that, implant that little nugget of horror in Lily's brain, and then move on to the next issue:

Lily's not feeling all that sexy what with the carrying a Minnesotan frost giant in her abdomen for the past few months. Marshall tries to convince her he still finds her attractive, but a series of poorly-chosen descriptives just makes things worse until she lays down that neither of them are gonna get any until the baby comes. He declares that it is his mission tonight to make her feel sexy. Why am I suddenly hearing a bad R&B song in my head with the refrain "I declare I'm gonna make you feel sexy all the time"?

One episode without being creepy, that's all I'm asking for.

When Kevin wisely decides to make a temporary escape from his not-at-all-uncomfortable-and-totally-fun conversation with complete strangers, Robin checks in with Ted to make sure he's cool with Kevin being over so much. He's more or less fine with it, except for the whole thing where Kevin randomly dropped trou in the living room, by himself, with seemingly no explanation. When Robin goes to ask Kevin about it, he gets upset and points out the that the only reason he took his pants off was because he spilled hot coffee on them, and the only reason he did that was because Ted walked by hanging brain in the middle of the morning. Robin sort of defends him, and Kevin takes umbrage at that, for one brief moment hitting upon the utter fucked-up-ness of going out with a girl who's roomates with a previous great love of her life and doesn't seem to be letting go. But she explains that Ted's having a tough time of it lately, and hasn't been getting much action. Kevin resolves to be nice to him, because Kevin is new here and isn't aware that "depressed over a dry spell" is Ted's mother fucking CONSTANT BASELINE. Jesus Christ, wasn't it just a month ago that you were on the cover of New York magazine and had to choose between two girls? A week ago that you took the female Doc Samson out on a date? Stop fucking whining Theodore!

Sorry, it's cool now.

I haven't left my house all week.

Anyway, back on Barney and Nora's date, God keeps trying to smite Barney for everything he's ever done, but keeps missing, hitting Nora instead. First she trips and falls at the ice skating rink, losing a tooth. Determined not to let that ruin his trip to Bootytown, Barney takes her to an all-night Chinatown dentist who implants her with a gold tooth. Just as they're feeling better about her introductory blingification, a giant rat jumps on her hair and it's implied he somehow uses it as it's bathroom. Dear Lord, that's nightmare scenario number two there, people. Then, after, by some miracle, convincing her to go back to his place to clean up, their romantic moment on the balcony is interupted by a yellow-sashed suicidal jumper. Physics wise, that man must have been super dense, considering the time it took him to reach the ground and the accompanying sound that traveled all the way back up. Not even going to ask about the sash. Not quite impressed with the physics of it, Barney finally gives up on salvaging the evening, until Nora sees how disappointed he is, and maternally makes him feel better as a prelude to having sex. Nightmare #3. Barney agrees as he finally puts the pieces together and sees what his brother saw. It's all good though, as Barney later tells us, he got through it by "turning it around" and realizing he's very lucky to have someone that reminds him of his mother. Keep that creepyshit to yourself, good sir.

Jesus, it's like the Little Mermaid...so my little sister said...

There's a goddamned playing with yourself pun there
somewhere, but I can't fucking find it.

Marshall and Lily, however, have to wait all episode to be privy to Barney's enlightened epiphany. Marshall's latest attempt to make Lily feel sexy, a board game called Chutes and Lillies. Hah, I actually like that title more than Lily's suggested Monopolilly. At least Chutes sounds sexy. Anyway, upon seeing the obscene, hastily, but artfully, drawn board, Kevin's words come back to haunt Lily, and she suddenly realizes who else in her life has such an unbridled enthusiasm for creating arcane board games: her board game creating loser of a father. As horrifying as that revelation must have been, it was worth it, just to see that flashback of Chris Elliot at the door proudly announcing "I brought Diseases(tm)". This pretty much ruins Lily's entire night, as she keeps picturing Marshall as her father, as he tries to get all sexy up in her bidness. Finally, after a traumatizing bubble bath, and some Bad Daddy mirror fondling, Lily breaks down and confesses that she's absolutely freaked out. Marshall talks her down by proving that Kevin's comment is absolute dribble by pointing out how utterly different she is from his mother. That works for about thirty seconds, until Marshall realizes that the reason Lily doesn't remind him of his mother is because she reminds him of his father. I gotta tell you, comedy comes at a high price. For the awesome image of Chris Elliot and Dauber about to make out and have sexy times, the price that must be paid is...the image of Chris Elliot and Dauber about to make out and have sexy times. Jesus, I can't unsee that. Suffice it to say, sexy times is over. Forever. For everyone.

Rule 34, you've gone too far.

Pictured: a healthy group dynamic

Back in a less creepy, but only slightly so, world, Ted horns in on Robin and Kevin's stay-in date by guilting them into watching a lame documentary about coin collecting. About halfway in the documentary, Robin's straddled behind Ted, giving him a deep massage, asking him about his concert tickets, and suddenly finding herself invited. At this point, Kevin, once again<> flips his shit, and decides if Ted can hit on his girlfriend right in front of him, he can drop trou, and does. Seems...kind of fair on paper, but dropping your pants in the same room you feel you're being cuckolded in kinda sends a different message there. Regaining his composure (and pants), Kevin accuses Robin of not being over Ted, and Ted of putting the moves on Robin by inviting her, and only her, to the romantic concert stylings of Al Yankovic. Okay, well, he didn't realize it was Weird Al. He also didn't realize that, despite how it looked, Ted had literally asked everyone he knew first, all the way down to his Mom, and they all turned him down. Upon seeing what a truly sad, pathetic mess he's got on his hands here, Kevin feels bad and fakes a die hard love of Weird Al in order to go to the concert with Ted. So he neuters his competition, looks like a nice guy doing it, and develops a separate friendship with Ted to make things less awkward all around. Kevin might be an evil genius.

We close out on an end tag flashing back to 1985 proving that Ted was right about Weird Al stealing the idea for "Like a Surgeon" from a fan letter he wrote. You can steal from better, Al.